Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize