I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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