I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
