My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
