i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
