OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
