Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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