you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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