I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
