new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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