It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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