Buhtt sex?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
