Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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