The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
True strength comes from lack of pants
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize