I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
