Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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