I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
