I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Did I show you my penis last night?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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