Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
