My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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