I accidentally had phone sex last night
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
