Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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