I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
