i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
