Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
