I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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