i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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