if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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