My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
