He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
