Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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