so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize