My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
