I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
