after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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