His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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