why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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