Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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