Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
