I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
