Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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