Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
