mondays should just be called national damage control day
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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