I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
