You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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