so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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