so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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