this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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