On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
