I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
