I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
