4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
