oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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