Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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