I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
