i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
