My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
