Do you still have your period?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
