my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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