I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
